Thursday, December 11, 2008

570th Post - How to Fake a Car Conversation

This afternoon at coffee, as is their wont, the boys' conversation veered toward the discussion of automobiles. Since I was recently in an accident, and my nearly-new car suffered significant damage, they began to pepper me with questions about my car.

I had no idea what they were talking about. None. Zero. Zilch.

How much "horse powder" does my car have, anyway? What size are the tires? How many litres can the engine carry? Frig, I don't know.

Yet, I am a male. I am Bevboy. I must appear to know.

Back here, I explained how to fake a sports conversation with your coffee chums. With those simple tips, you can fake your way through a simple conversation about sports, and nobody will be the wiser. I have received dozens of thank you e-mails from guys who can now appear knowledgeable about sports with their friends. They are very welcome.

It occurs to me that with a few twists of the screwdriver, you could do something similar with another bastion of male talk: The automobile.

Let's try it out.

Horse powder is the measure of energy that the car has. I know this to be true because horses used to pull cars apparently before the invention of gasoline. I am guessing that h.p. should be a nice, round number. Let's say: 200. 200 horse powder. Give that as an answer the next time someone asks you.

I think that the next question is a trick, because wheels are supposed to be round. There are only a few different sizes of tires. One for cars. One for trucks. One for bigger trucks, like the ones that transport cars to dealerships. I suppose they would transport regular-sized trucks as well. But... what transports transport trucks? Hmm.

Anyway: You have a car, so just say that they're the small, round tires. Your friends, who were trying to fool you all along, will just nod sheepishly and quickly change the subject. The big, silly goofs!

The engine is mostly a solid object with things in it that move around quickly and break often, resulting in costly repairs. There is not much room for water or other fluids, so let's say... 3 litres max. A "3 litre" engine!

By thinking quickly on your feet, by speaking in general terms, by listening very carefully to your chums, you, too, can have a brief, superficial conversation about cars.

Take that, you guys!


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