Ladies and gentlemen, I have waited for 1256 posts to tell you this story. It is so sordid, so unusual, that I felt that it should never be told on this blog. I mean, what's a fella to do?
But, lately, as I have become more confident and-self assured. I feel it is time to tell the story, the tale, the anecdote, of the worst date of my life. It will feel good to get this off my chest.
This was before I was seeing Patricia, so it was a while ago now. I had met this young lady through a mutual friend. We hit it off, and I asked her out. Much to my surprise, and relative delight, she acquiesced to my request. She also agreed to go out with me.
The first clue was the movie we agreed to see. I figured it would be some sappy woman's film, starring some vapid blond in an equally shallow romantic comedy.
God help me.
Like I said, this was a while ago. She wanted to go see... "Silence of the Lambs".
I still haven't read the book by Thomas Harris. I have only seen the film, several times. But the first time I saw this film, it was with this young lady. I was part of the original "fava beans and a nice Chianti" crowd.
Anyway, we went to the movie. I was uncomfortable, because this young lady, who, like the lost Lenore, will remain nameless forevermore, kept looking at me, and eating her popcorn with great enthusiasm. I kept hoping for the night to be over.
Finally, during one particularly disturbing part of the film, she turned to me, looked at me with the look I will now describe as haunted and detached, and asked, "Bev, are guns illegal in Nova Scotia?"
What could I say? I had never held a firearm in my entire life. I still haven't. Holy frig! What could I say?
"Um, yes, they are! Very much so. Not a chance in Hell you can get one. Nope. Not at all. Sorry. Can't help you"
She regarded me for another moment. "Do you know where I can buy one?"
There are certain moments in a man's life when he must decide what the next course of action is to be, and he knows deep in his heart that this decision will be fateful. The very course of his will depend on a wise decision.
"No. No, I don't know anything about buying a gun in Nova Scotia. Now, please. Let's watch the movie. That young blonde's about to get tortured and killed"
That seemed to appease her, and the rest of the evening passed without incident.
Guys? I'm talking to you now. Ladies? Leave the room. Now.
Are we alone, fellas? Good. You know that move we make at a movie? The old yawn-and-stretch-and-put-your-arm-around-the-girl routine? I didn't do that. I know. I'm letting down all of MANkind here, but there are extenuating circumstances at play. Surely you can all forgive me, this one time.
That was the only time she and I ever dated. I saw her when I was out with some buds a month or so later. She was across the street with some girlfriends. She noticed me and smiled and waved. She was across the street, across 3 lanes of traffic, so I felt safe in waving back.
And, then, I ran.
Yep. The worst date of my life.
Can you top it?