Monday, May 31, 2021

Post 4014 - Monday Night Things

Hello again.

It is past one in the morning, Monday night/Tuesday morning. June 1st, although the blog will record it as May 31st. 

I slept in like a madman on Monday. It is becoming more and more unusual for me to get up before 10, and it is not unusual for me to sleep in until 11, or even 11:30. It is not a good habit to get into, but I am enjoying it nonetheless. Because the CPAP machine is helping with my apnea, I don't have nearly the brain fog or need to take afternoon naps that I had even six months ago. I am  only starting to yawn now. 

We had a quiet day to say the least. Newbie has been mostly quiet as well. He is on the floor here in the living room, all curled up and waiting for me to turn in. Patricia called it a night 90 minutes or so ago. 

I had a lot of wonderful plans post-retirement. 2020 was going to be our year. It did not turn out that way, mostly due to the pandemic. I do not regret retirement from the civil service at all. The job was driving me crazy.  I do not feel comfy just yet explaining the exact reasons why I finally left. There are several, and complex. The theories you  may have are likely not the actual reasons I left. People I worked with read this blog and it may upset them if I spoke out; and while I do not think there would be actual blowback on me, I do not want to take that chance just yet. 

A regular reader of this blog, who will read this on Tuesday morning sometime and may tweet me about it, wrote several months ago that after he retired from the civil service, that he went through what he called a form of PTSD. I know exactly where he is coming from. It is not the kind of PTSD that causes one to go out and commit a felony. It is rather the kind of PTSD that causes one to have occasional problems sleeping or to flash back to an unpleasant experience or two. Or three. Or four.

While I try not to, I cannot help but think about the times I was lied to, screwed over, insulted, had my competence questioned, had my intelligence questioned. The most galling example was in 2016 when my manager promised to move me into an acting role, which would come with a 10% pay bump, if I agreed to take on a certain level of responsibilities in addition to the ones I was already shouldering. I told him I would do it, and then he immediately took that carrot off the table and I was still stuck with the extra responsibilities. No extra money or anything.  He shortly thereafter went on to another project and I got a new manager. I was so hurt, so betrayed, so angered by the previous manager's perfidy that I barely spoke to him after that. He was my manager and if I called him out on it, even though I was right, there would have been serious consequences for me. You don't win a fight with your boss, even if you are right, and he is a bloviating, lying asshole. 

It is stuff  like that resonates with me to this day. It is hard to let things like that go. People tell me to let things go, and there are times I cannot. I just cannot.

There are other examples. 

I do feel better having discussed this. Thank you very much for listening.

It is now 1:30 in the ayem. I think I will turn in. 11:30 comes early, you know.

See you tomorrow.




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